Saying it with flowers

Leave it to women to complicate the hell out of stopping at the florist for some posies. Hold the bus, Jose - that's not just a bedwarmer you're buying - it's a complex she-code that you have to understand thoroughly before committing.

Nothing is easy anymore.

So, let's have a look at this magilla, and make sure you're sending the right damned stupid secret message in addition to burning the 50 bucks that you're about to chuck away in vase-fodder.

RED: Your basic red rose is pretty safe; it says almost anything. But that can be to your disadvantage. Red roses can mean "congratulations," "good job," "I respect you," "you are brave" or "I love you but not enough to get the right color flower which defines precisely the right type of love you instill in me (which I'd do if I really loved you; I'm a cad.)"

See how complex this is?

DARK RED: Ok, this is a bullpoo color; according to the secret code, it means "You are beautiful, but you don't know you're beautiful, or, if you do, you do not act like you know you are." A woman who knows the secret code will be impressed, but also aware that the dark red rose does not necessarily infer any kind of romantic alliegiance or promise of fidelity in itself.

SINGLE RED ROSE: Very good, but very bad for Valentines. A single red rose any other time of the year, given unexpectedly, says, "I love you." Around Valentines, it says, "I'm a cheapskate." Under no circumstance give the single red rose during this month, unless you derive your income solely from a paper route.

WHITE: The sappy color. The "my love is so pure, you are so pure, where do you hide your wings and halo, I would slay dragons for you" color. The wedding color. There are only two reasons to give white roses - you are either completely twitterpated or a complete scoundrel desperately on the make.

PINK: The weasely color. It says, "Thanks a lot. I really appreciate it." It says, "I really, really mean it," without actually saying what "it" it is you mean. It can mean "I admire you," as well as to compliment someone's grace and charm. In short, the sort of thing you give to the host of a Tupperware party.

DARK PINK: The same as above, but moreso. The sort of thing you give to the host of a Tupperware party who you still owe $10 for the salad tongs you bought last time.

LIGHT PINK: The same as regular pink, but without the onus - "How refined you are - what a gentle little thing. I'll bet you played tea party with a plastic tiara on when you were a little girl." A good arm's-length compliment.

YELLOW: A sort of hallmark color. "Hooray - you're my friend! It's so nice! I'm glad!" Yellow roses will not open the gates of heaven. Good for giving to your girlfriend's kid sister when she has her first communion, maybe.

YELLOW WITH RED TIP: Now here's a clever little thing. They mean, "I'm falling in love." So, if you wanna test the waters a bit, shove a dozen of these babies at the girl and see if she recoils. Of course, you're going to get points off trying to weasel in an un-manly coward's "I kinda think I might love you - what do you think?" in the form of a floral tribute. My advice is to grow a pair and state your case - 'tis better to be shot down as a man, than brushed off as a noodge.

ORANGE: Desire and Enthusiasm. Personally, I think that's a horrible color for roses, but you've gotta admire the sentiment. Odds are that the guy passing this around has a can of Redi-whip and a pair of fuzzy luv cuffs hidden somewhere within 20 feet of the bouquet.

RED & WHITE: Ok, here's a pretty common one. Together they mean "I love you, I want us to be together." Nothing tricky there - it's not especially poetic, but it does at least have a definite sentiment and promise attached.

PEACH: Now here's a salesman for you. What peach roses mean is, "Look, we've been playing cute long enough - are you gonna consummate with me, or what?" Peach is the color of "I don't want to wait anymore."

CORAL: This is nice: "Desire." Just desire. Just letting you know, I desire you - not putting through an agenda, just purely FYI. I don't know why they put such a nice sentiment on such a rotten color, but there you have it.

LAVENDER: Another nice one, lavender denotes "Love at first sight." Sweet little puppy-dog crush color. You enchant me - you make me feel like I'm in a perfume commercial.

BLACK: Great for Goths or those still fuming with malicious hate and all-consuming despise, black roses signify death. DIE DIE DIE DIE!!! P.S. Happy Valentine's Day.

As far as I know, nobody has said you can't send a long and complex message via this code. The result might look like hell, but it should be pretty rewarding for those who understand it. Let's practice:

"I loved you at first sight, but you were aloof; my love turned to a burning desire, and you turned me away. Now I spend my days wishing cancer on you." (Lavender buds, Coral, Peach and Black.)

"I loved you completely, and we had wild monkey sex. Now we're older and you fix me great dinners. Thanks for being my maid." (White, Orange, Red and Dark Pink. Add some babies breath and some tea roses to seal the deal.)